Things I’ve learned from 2019

Every new year I like to reminisce on the year that just ended and with that reminiscing, I try to take the lessons from the previous year and make some changes for the upcoming year. And every year I like to have a theme set for the upcoming year. This theme is more like a word or motto to live by. In the years past it was happiness, strength, and love, but this year after these five big lessons I have learned from 2019, my “motto” for 2020 is “self-care,” because the one thing I learned from 2019, you have to put yourself first because at the end of the day others will not.

Let me first explain the five lessons I’ve learned from 2019, so you get why my motto for 2020 is what it is.

1. A child is who they are going to become, by age 7, so if you weren’t around back then, there’s no changing them now.
2. People will want you to succeed to a certain extent. That extent is as long as you do not surpass their success.
3. You cannot expect people to be grateful if they have never shown gratitude before.
4. People are not always what they seem.
5. The hardest job any one could ever have, even harder than being a financial advisor, call center employee, manager of a 2000 person corporation, or even the President of a country, is being a stay at home mom.

Let me explain.

A child is who they are going to become, by age 7, so if you weren’t around back then, there’s no changing them now.

Studies show kids are who they will always be by age seven. Meaning, if they are going to love reading it’s developed by age seven, or if they will be in sports and love it, vs just playing to play because their parents are making them, it’s by age seven. And most importantly, a child develops their imagination by age seven, meaning if they never get a chance to go outside and find something to do like playing cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers or bakery man with the mud pies, they have a less chance of developing an imagination later in life. So, encourage your child to go outside, to play with their imaginary friend, to make mud pies. Because there is a short window before they lose the ability to develop an imagination and having an imagination at an early age also leads to huge things later in life, like not having to be told what to do or when to do it on the job or when given an assignment in school to design a new program or a new building or anything, they can use the imagination they developed as a child to do so.

And lastly, if the child doesn’t learn the value of money early on, or morals, or values, they will not learn it. Meaning if they were raised to believe they will get whatever they want without working for it, there is no changing it later on, no matter how hard you try. There is a reason for all these lists for age appropriate chores. Kids have to learn to work for what they want in life by working for things at an early age, if they are just given things like a $200 pair of Nikes, or a new bike when they crashed the first one on purpose, they will always have that “entitled” attitude thinking it’s their right to be greedy and always get their way. Plus, they will never develop work ethics which means they will lose job after job when they are adults and will never leave their parents basement.

Now that I have my own child that came from my belly, I see how important the first seven years of the child’s life is. Before becoming a mom of my own baby, I became a mother of a teenager who I have constantly fought every single day to change, to “help” become a respectable human being with morals and respect, but every day I have failed. And only due to my research to become the best mom I can to my baby boy, I read studies about the first seven years of a child’s life. With my teenager I was not around back then, so I have come to realize it is not my fault he is the ungrateful, entitled, individual he is today and if research is correct, there is nothing I can do about it now. So I will continue focusing all my efforts on the little one who still has a chance.

People will want you to succeed to a certain extent. That extent is as long as you do not surpass their success.

People will always want you to succeed only to the level they are at. If you surpass them in anything, they will no longer want you to be successful. You will know this by their lack of interest into what you are doing after this happens. And the biggest way of knowing they are not really “happy” for you, they will start making comments like, “have you thought about selling so you don’t have to deal with this crap”, or “have you thought about quitting so you aren’t so stressed?” I mean instead of showing support, like saying “this too will pass!” Or “don’t worry it will get better.”

Since we have bought a Subway I’ve heard all sorts of people’s comments about selling vs encouraging us the hard times will pass. And just recently when our rental property was vacated and needed some improvements after being turned into a drug house and raided by the police, I have been met with more people asking us to sell it instead of asking about our goals of having many rentals. Not to mention the one we have now is going to be our vacation home one day if we ever move from Washington.

I just find it interesting that people want to see you fail instead of encourage your success. I just don’t get it. In a way it makes me realize why our country is going to crap, no one wants the other to be successful, no one lifts the others up anymore, no one wants the best for the person next to them. Instead they want to be the best and that’s the only way they will be happy. It’s sad.

You cannot expect people to be grateful if they have never shown gratitude before.

Another lesson 2019 has taught me is that no matter what there will always be those people who never say thank you. They will never appreciate what you have done for them! They will never see the value in what you have done to give them something or to come visit or to just do something for them. Unfortunately, my experience with this type of “entitled” behavior comes from the younger generations. But it’s weird too because some of the people I have experienced this from are those who came from very respectable families and in some cases their siblings are grateful and appreciative but not them. It makes no sense really. But again it’s sad but true. No matter how hard you work to do something nice for another or no matter how much money you spent in a gift or something they will not say thank you.

Over the years I have done so much for certain people and this past few years I have come to a huge realization that no matter what I do for these people, you will never be shown gratitude. I have spent thousands of dollars on clothes, gifts, and trips made in order to be there for these people when it was a special occasion or a significant event in their lives, just feel used. Somewhere along these people lost the ability to be grateful to those who did so much for them. They stopped saying thank you, and stopped knowing what showing gratitude meant. And even though this is something they can learn again over time; it may take a while. And in some cases, aka the cases I am talking about, it may take you not doing the things you did for them in order for them to realize what they should be grateful for. But I guess that’s why it was a huge lesson I needed to learn this past year.

Which leads me to: People are not always what they seem.

These past few years I have worked really hard to get ahead in life. It started when I left Idaho in 2002 for Undergrad, then to Portland after college and then eventually up to Washington, where I met my husband and really started my life. It wasn’t until we decided it was time for me to quit my job and become a full time stay at home mom, that I realized almost all the people I surrounded myself with, were fake! They weren’t really standing beside me in my life’s journey, they were just walking beside me until it was time for them to get off the journey. And that time of getting off the journey came when I put in my resignation letter. All those who I thought would support my decision since it was the best thing for my son, didn’t. All those who said they would always be my friends no matter if we worked together or not, they are not.

Like my second lesson of 2019, people want you to succeed only to an extent, well, being financially stable enough to be able to leave corporate America and become the mother your son needs, is succeeding. And all those who want to be able to do it too but can’t, that is when their support of your success stops. I’ve had friends for years that supported me every time I went up for a promotion, they stood beside me when I wanted to better myself with getting my master’s degree, they supported me when I left one company for a better opportunity, everything they were there. Came to every party I threw, always wanted to hang out, was willing to drive miles and miles in order to come see me and my family. But all of that stopped when I decided to put my family first. All the support went away when I got to do what they wanted, but was never able to do.

Now when I need a friend, I have a small handful I can truly count on. And when we celebrated our son’s first birthday, only weeks after I left corporate America and all those people who said they’d always be there, we celebrated with family and only a few friends who we can truly count on. They all had excuses, and promised to make it up, but the other part of the lesson is, if you stop putting so much effort into getting together, will they reach out… the answer is no. To this day, I have been a stay at home mom for five months now and its been four since my son’s birthday, and not one of them have set up a time to come see me. Some have yet to even meet my son. And here’s the biggest lesson, being in one’s life is a two-way street. You cannot always be the one who makes the effort. And those are truly worth having in your life, are those willing to put as much effort into seeing you as you are to seeing them.

And lastly… The hardest job any one could ever have, even harder than being a financial advisor, call center employee, manager of a 2000 person corporation, or even the President of a country, is being a stay at home mom.

I have been in the working world since I was 16 years old, have held many different types of positions, from financial advisor, stock broker, to reverse mortgage specialist where I was forced to take calls all day long from people the age of my grandparents who defaulted on their on their loan and being foreclosed on. And then before getting out of corporate America for good, I worked as a senior case manager for retirement and annuities account, a job I finally loved with a manager I considered a friend.

But all of the jobs I’ve had are nothing compared to the job I have now. Being a mother to a 15-month-old is the hardest job I’ve ever had. With trying to get him to eat, or finding a way to keep him entertained all while trying to keep the house clean, laundry done, bills paid, and food on the table. All is a lot. And it will only get busier as he gets older and even busier when we start homeschooling him. And if we have another baby, even harder.

But I can’t imagine working any other job. I’m so grateful for this job, I’m so grateful for my son, for my husband and how hard he works every day to make this life we have possible.

With these huge lessons 2019, I have decided to make some changes. First, I’m going to do my best to raise the young children in my family to be better. Unfortunately, I have a child in my care that is practically grown and I wasn’t around when he was being raised into the young man that he is today, but I will continue doing my best because I don’t want to see him fall on his butt or become homeless or jobless or worse. I have two years left before he becomes an adult so I’ll continue trying but my main focus will be on the ones I can still form into responsible and respectful adults.

Also with these lessons I have decided to stop doing what I have done all my life. If one is unappreciative, I’m just going to stop wasting my time, money and effort. And if one doesn’t support me and my family then I am choosing to focus on me and mines. I have cared for others for far too long, with no appreciation shown to me. It’s time to make better decisions on who I surround myself with. We need people to start lifting each other up, and if we can’t do that, if we can’t truly be happy for one another then we don’t need to be friends anymore, even if that includes family members.

I have also decided to focus on myself and my family, and our well-being, hence the self-care.