I Cry

Before you tell me I’m doing a good job, you should know what really goes on behind closed doors.

I cry. A lot!

I’m exhausted! I’m pushed to my limits with the tantrums and the yelling. I get frustrated, I scream and yell and sometimes I just want to run away for a few hours. I lose my cool.

So I cry.

So before you tell me I’m a great mother you should know I feel like a complete failure. It’s not what you think.

I take long showers because I’m crying and thinking of all the ways I have failed my children in the course of the day. And the many ways I have let my husband down and the billion ways I have let myself down.

I look around my house and see the dishes piled up, the laundry that’s never ending, the dining room table that I haven’t had cleaned off for so long it honestly feels likes it’s never been cleaned off! I look at the floors and know to not walk on certain parts because they are sticky! I know I need to sweep and mop, but I’m exhausted, so I cry!

When I’m in the car on my way to go grocery shopping, I cry! This time I’m crying because I just feel so anxious about leaving my babies. I know they are safe with their daddy but he doesn’t do things the way I do things, so I have anxiety! So I rush through the grocery shopping which then leads to forgetting things we need. So another trip the next day!

I think of the bills I haven’t helped to pay in over a year now and get sad! I think of my student loans that are still in deferment because I’m not working and I get sad. I think of my degrees that I’m now wasting being a stay at home mom, but know I’m doing it for my babies, and I get emotional. Emotional because it’s a constant internal battle no one knows I have been fighting since I wrote my resignation letter.

I look at my toddler who is still not potty trained and I think of how I must be a disappointment to my mom and my grandmother who both had babies that was potty trained by this age! But I know boys are harder. Plus, they never had a teenage boy constantly in the bathroom when the big guy needs to be on the potty. And since he can’t hold it, he has no choice but go in the diaper!

I get jealous that my husband gets to leave the house! Even thou he is not doing anything fun! He’s handling business! Handled the listing of our rental property, the repairs, the sell, the search for land for our next home, the Subway, he’s handling everything outside of this house! And he’s staying up every night until 5am so I can sleep from 9-5. But I still get upset with him if he sleeps past one, which 5-1 is the same amount of hours as me, but it’s not constant because he has to sleep through a screaming toddler and a crying infant in the living room. So technically, I get it good! But I still get irritated.

I just feel like such a failure! But I look at my babies and know they are worth it! I’m so conflicted! So I cry!