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The Difference a Pregnancy Can Make

September 23, 2020 / 48 Comments

I look down at my growing body and I definitely don’t feel beautiful or gorgeous or even pretty for that matter.

I look straight down and see a belly that protrudes way past my solid double D’s.

And I see stretch marks all over!

Wanna see my feet? I haven’t in at least four months!

My face is chubby and oily, they call it “glowing,” but I call it gross! It’s never been this big or this oily!

I look at the number on the scale and see a number higher than I’ve ever seen before and I just want to cry!

I try on clothes in my closet and nothing fits! And most definitely nothing cute! And because of that overly large number on that much hated scale I can’t even find anything cute or sexy in any store that would fit. Again, I feel like crying!

I’m constant stressed out, can’t remember anything, feeling like I’m losing my mind! The things that used to come easily to me, now is a struggle! Worried about keeping up the house, cooking and cleaning. Worried about keeping up at work! Worried about the email I know I’ll be receiving from my boss by morning every single day asking why I didn’t get through my caseload of work from the day before! Worried they will just let me go, trying to make it just a few more weeks until my leave of absence starts.

But then he comes up behind me and wraps his big strong arms around me and hugs my belly! Or he comes to bed and kisses me softly on the lips before moving down to talk to my belly. And as he starts praying for the little human growing inside me to be healthy and smart and God fearing and perfect in all ways; all of the fears, stressed and worries melt away! He makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the world! He doesn’t see the stretch marks or the number on the scale as negative, he sees the blessing behind it all. He sees the gift God has given us, our little boy, Elijah. He sees me as his blessing, as his beautiful wife working hard at making his child and growing our family.

He is what’s getting me through this pregnancy and all the different challenges of being pregnant entails. He is making me feel beautiful and strong. And because of him I remember this is all temporary, in a few short weeks all the hard work will pay off. I’ll be able to hold my sweet and precious baby boy!

That was my first pregnancy! It’s hard to believe it was almost two years ago! And it’s even harder to believe it was so stressful and filled with so much sadness and tears! My second pregnancy has been the total opposite!

Now I look down at my belly and I see beauty! I see the stretch marks as a symbol of love! As a gift from God himself that so many women don’t get to experience, so many women I know won’t get to experience, or have experienced only a fraction of this gift before it was taken away so abruptly. Now I see the nausea and heartburn as a blessing and the aching body as a sign of strength. I feel every kick, punch or hiccup and just smile! I still cry, a lot, but not because that number on the scale is high instead it’s because of joy! And of course a little of plain pregnancy emotions. But this time, when I cry during a regular conversation with the husband, I don’t get sad or embarrassed because I can’t control my emotions, I start laughing, then he laughs, and then we start laughing uncontrollably about all these pregnancy emotions, that are a blessing to have.

I used to hide my growing body with baggy clothes, but now I wear cute dresses or clothes designed to show off my growing body, because this is a gift and it’s a beautiful thing God has allowed me to participate in, growing one of His precious children.

And now that it too is coming to an end instead of relief, I feel sad because I don’t want to not feel the kicks or hiccups. I don’t want this to stop, but I’m so excited to meet my youngest son, Ezra. I’m excited to hold him in my arms and see his little smile and those ten little fingers and toes. I’m excited to see how his older brother will react to not being the baby anymore. I’m excited to kiss his little feet and to shower him with love!

I’m also excited to get back in the gym and back to being able to sleep on my tummy again! I’m excited to sleep again!!! This pregnancy may have been easier, but it was definitely more exhausting with caring for a very active toddler during the day and not being able to sleep at night, but I wouldn’t have changed anything! Because it’s so temporary, it feels like I just found out I was pregnant yesterday, but now I only have three weeks left. It’s definitely has had its worries and stresses with COVID and social distancing and not being able to have my husband accompany me to my doctor appointments but even all that is a blessing from God.

I’ll never look at pregnancy as anything else again than a blessing from God and the most beautiful life experience one could have.

I am blessed.

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