Keys for Success…in your Marriage

What’s the key to a successful marriage? I’ve wondered about this for almost as long as I’ve been alive. And since I’ve been married for three years now finding the answer to this million dollar question is even more important.

And here’s what I’ve realized thus far. There is no simple answer to this question.

My entire life I’ve had one example of a successful marriage, my grandparents. As of last month they have been married 60 years, raised four kids, my grandfather retired from the military and then did night school in order to start a new career as an Electrician, all while my grandmother raised their four kids and worked part time as the an cook at an elementary school for a short time before becoming a full time stay at home mom. Since they have been the only positive role models I’ve had for a strong, long lasting marriage, I asked my grandmother how they have survived this long.

Here is her answer, “Hard work!”

I’ve been married now for three years and that answer is 110% accurate! But I have a few more items I’d add to the list in case you are thinking of getting married:

#1. Never leave an argument open ended. Even if you have to walk away or go for a drive in order to cool off enough to finish the conversation without becoming so heated you say things you can’t take back. Come back and finish the discussion. And to add to that, never ever go to bed angry! Finish the discussion.
#2. Always speak each other’s love language. Now some may not even know what that means and if you don’t, make sure you read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. People have different ways of feeling loved. For instance, my love language in order of importance is 1-Acts of Service, 2-Words of Affirmation, 3-Quality time, 4-Gift Giving and 5-Physical Touch. But on the other hand, my husband has a different order of love languages. So if I speak my number one love language to him, it may do absolutely nothing for him since his number one is different. So know your spouses love language and speak it!
#3. Communication is key!!!!! And I don’t mean just talking about each other’s day after work. No I’m talking about your stress, your fears, your secrets, your everything. People find it weird that my husband and I know so much about each other’s past and have no secrets. Some even find it weird when I say, “Let me run it by the man” before committing to something. Because when I said my vows I made a promise in front of my friends, family and God that this man was to become my other half, my partner, my person! So I tell him everything and he tells me everything!
#4. Always leave work at work and home at home. This one is a hard one, but I heard a story awhile back about a man that would always stop at a tree in front of his home before entering it after work. And when asked why by his son, he said he had to drop off his worries and stress in order to be able to focus on him and his family when he came through the door. I loved this story and I immediately started living by it. Every day I’d stay in my car for a few extra minutes when I got home and prayed or just sat there in silence. And in the morning I’d do the same thing before leaving. It was my way of not bringing the stress of work into my household and visa versa. Life is too stressful as it is, I believe if you try to bring work home you will also bring the stress and worries into your home life. And I’m a firm believer of leaving home at home. I’d keep my co-workers at a distance because I didn’t want them to know to much of my personal life. And this has paid off. Because…
#5. Never bring another into your marriage! Venting to your girls when you and your husband have a disagreement is one thing, but do not allow your girls to have an opinion! Or your kids for that matter! My grandmother once told me, never side with your children, even if your husband is wrong and you know it. Because at the end of the day your kids will grow up and start their own families. Then it would be just you and your husband, and if you always chose your kids over your spouse, you will be left with a resentful spouse and a spouse who will always question your love and loyalty. My grandmothers been married for 60 years so I think she may know a thing or two.
Lastly,
#6. Compromise! I have always been an independent, stuck in my own ways kind of woman. I did what I wanted when I wanted. I never asked for permission I told my partners in the past what I was doing. I had my beliefs of what a marriage should be like, again because of the role models I had growing up and I knew 110% of what I will not accept. Again due to the negative role models I had growing up. So I wasn’t going to budge, until I met my husband! And in order to get the man of my dreams to even consider asking me to marry him I had to throw some of those ideas out the window. But not all because that is why he fell in love with me after all. But if it wasn’t for compromising on a regular basis I wouldn’t still be married to my best friend.

So there you have it. From the opinion of a new wife, the keys to her successful marriage….but the list is open ended so maybe after another three years the list will have doubled. Still learning and still trying on a daily basis on how to be the best wife and partner.