I’m Failing….Or at least I feel like I am!

Everywhere I look I see unfolded laundry, dirty dishes, or a toy. In the living room I see unfolded blankets, and un-vacuumed carpet. In the boys’ room I see an unorganized dresser and closet, a basket full of laundry and a hamper full of dirty laundry. And in our room I see a room that hasn’t been properly cleaned in probably 6-8 months because I’m constantly trying to keep the common areas clean! And failing!

I’m failing!

Some days all I want to do is cry! My toddler is crying yet again for no reason, he wants his stuffed animal, then he doesn’t. He wants to be picked up, then he doesn’t! He wants food, but not that kind mommy! He cries because he wants to watch his favorite show, but when it’s on he is no longer interested. Nothing seems to make this kid happy!
The infant won’t sleep past seven, which means the toddler wakes up cranky. He won’t eat his food so I try something else, he won’t take his midmorning nap, but he’s obviously sleepy! And he won’t stop scratching no matter how much lotion or oil or healing ointment I put on his little body or how many baths we give him. He has no nails because every morning I clip them just to make sure they are short, but somehow, some way he finds a way to slice and dice his skin every time he scratches. He hates tummy time, but his doctor says he has a misshaped head so needs to be on his tummy 24/7, what do I do, just leave him there screaming!?

Every day this is what I deal with. Every day I fail at this whole mother thing three times over! Every day I forget to take something out for dinner or to change the laundry over so then I have to re-wash it. Or I mop the floor just for the toddler to throw his his food on it and make it sticky again. Every day I yell at the toddler for taking the babies toys away again or for throwing something I need behind the couch again! Every day I am exhausted and feel like I’m losing myself more and more. I’m just failing!

But then the toddler grabs my face after getting a fresh diaper on and kisses me softly on my forehead, then each cheek, then the chin, the lips, the nose and then finally the ears before stopping and looking me dead in the eyes as if to tell me I am killing this mommy thing and he wraps his arms around me and hugs me. That’s when I know to him I’m doing everything right! He’s happy, he’s healthy, he’s smart, he’s safe and he’s cared for. He never has to wear dirty clothes unless he refuses to take off the shirt after lunch or his pants after playing in the mud. So I must be doing something right.

I sometimes forget it is okay to not have all my laundry put away or to not vacuum every other day like I used to. And it is okay if I just mopped and it’s already sticky. I sometimes forget that all of this doesn’t matter. What matters is that my boys are happy! They are never hungry. Yes they are sometimes dirty, but that’s because they just played in the kiddy pool out back and put dirt in it which made a hot mess! It’s okay if the dishes aren’t done, it shows that my family is well fed! The blankets aren’t folded because the toddler just made a fort out of them!

It is okay to feel like I’m failing sometimes because every time I see my infant smile up at me and look at me like I’m the most important person in his life or when the toddler is constantly saying “mommy, mommy, mommy” just to show me another toy or to bring me over to sit with him and watch his favorite show, I get reminded that I’m not failing to them.

And that’s what matters.