Everything Mama,  Lifestyle,  Modern Day Woman,  Wifey

Let’s Discuss Mental Health

September 30, 2020 / 35 Comments

I think mental health is something that is so taboo in today’s society. It’s something that no one wants to talk about and most definitely not admit when they have something going on. But the truth is, with the pandemic and the world we live in today, mental health is something that needs to be addressed on a regular basis. So, I have decided to let you in on my mental health. My constant battle with anxiety.

I never had an issue growing up, in fact I never had an issue with anxiety until I became pregnant with my son. And every day since!

But my anxiety wasn’t like other people’s anxiety or at least what I’ve heard of anxiety from people who deal with it.

I’ve always been the type of person who have taken extra precautions in life, I always pay attention to my surroundings. I have always been the type to pay so much attention that I could describe every person who came into the same aisle as me at the grocery store, from their hair, their clothes, they facial features, every aspect of every person. I drive as a defensive driver, always having an exit route just in case the person in front of me slams on their brakes or the person behind me doesn’t hit their brakes or even if the person on either side tries to change lanes without seeing me. I’ve always know what to do in any crisis. Until I became pregnant!

And that is when I started getting anxious! I hated driving, all I thought about was my small car getting hit and me or my unborn baby dying since it was a two door Honda Civic, the smallest version they made! The mornings weren’t that bad since there was hardly any traffic at 4:30 in the morning, but the afternoons or if I had a doctor appointment, I couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head!

I became anxious over everything I ate, drank, or wore! If my clothes were too tight, I felt like my skin was crawling with bugs. At night I couldn’t sleep because all I thought about was the what if’s that could happen. If I went two weeks without seeing my baby on the monitors, and didn’t feel his little kicks, I panicked. We limited the drive home to Idaho to one trip the entire year because I couldn’t do the car ride. I panicked!

And all of this got ten times worse when I had my son!

The poor kid didn’t leave the house until he was three months old. And even then it was when both my husband and I could go. I switched my entire life around so I was never anywhere with just me and the big guy. I started grocery shopping at night, I booked all my appointments when his dad was home to watch him, and his appointments only when his dad could come too. I literally went nowhere alone with him. I worried about someone trying to steal him. And the truth is, these thoughts have no went away. And he’s almost two!

And then COVID hit! And my anxiety has doubled or tripled! I hate not being able to see anyone’s facial expressions or even their details! I hate when my husband takes our son to the park, I know he’s safe with my husband, but I trust no one! And not being there with them gives me anxiety.

I constantly think of who’s watching them just lurking around the corner waiting to jump my husband and steal my son. I worry about him falling and getting hurt, I worry about him running off or falling into a pond or lake and drowning. Now mind you, none of this is possible while my husband is around. He can swim, he can fight off an attacker if need be, he’ll never let our son get hurt in any way, and my husband is in such great shape that he can outrun the big guy any given day! But that doesn’t stop my anxiety!

And the biggest contributing factor to my anxiety now, my husband and kids being black! I worry that one “Karen” will come along and accuse my husband of kidnapping, or matching a description of someone who took a kid or robbed a store, or broke into a house. I just worry about a Karen calling the cops! And then I worry about the cops seeing my husband as a threat since he’s a fit black man with muscles.

When my husband goes to our store late at night there’s so much anxiety. So much that keeps me awake at night! My mind just keeps racing! All the unknowns, all the what if’s, all the sketchy people out there. The world is filled with evil people and when he’s out there alone, I worry!

And I know this all sounds like I worry too much and it’s not really anxiety. But by definition: anxiety means-“a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” So everything I have is anxiety. Sometimes it’s so bad I feel like I’m going nuts! I’ve talked to doctors about it and they all tell me the same thing, it should go away as your son gets older. And as for my thoughts, feelings and worry when it comes to my husband, “it’s conditional anxiety that is being induced by what is going on around me.” Which I already knew!

In any case, I have dealt with anxiety for two plus years now and it hasn’t gone away, in some ways it has only gotten worse. So I am writing this to let everyone know if you are experiencing anxiety, depression, or any other kind of mental health issues during these times we are in or even before, talk to someone. Call your doctor, reach out to a friend or call one of the many help lines that are out there.

For me, having these anxious thoughts or feelings, I have taken even more precautions in my every day life. I continue to watch every person that comes in my aisles at the store and even more so in the parking lot. I never leave my child unattended and as for my husband and the worry that comes when he is out by himself or with our older son checking out property to purchase or checking on our store, I pray! I life our family and our lives up into Gods hands and even hand over my anxiety. I still have it but that’s because I’m human. And there is no shame in it.

Again if you need any help with this subject please feel free to reach out to me or checkout www.mentalhealth.gov or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

I wish you well and I hope by hearing my story it will help you deal with yours.

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