My Heart Hurts

My heart is hurting. I cannot even begin to put into words how I’m feeling about this loss. I was excited, but now, I’m devastated.

Friday we found out she was having a boy. By Sunday we had a name, Jayden. By Tuesday her water broke at 21 weeks. By Thursday he was born and died in a matter of seconds. A mother and father that was excited to meet their first baby is now a mother and father who are mourning the greatest loss no parents should ever have to experience.

As for us, we have a loss for words. Conflicted feelings, but too ashamed to say them. We knew they were not ready to be parents; we knew they were too young; we knew they’d have a rough start to this parenthood journey, but we knew what it meant to them. And to us for that matter, we were going to be grandparents. And that we were excited for.

We had all these plans for baby showers, for maternity shoots, for play dates. We had conversations about middle names, dad wanted to go with his middle name while mom wanted to go with something else. Grandpa of course wanted him to have his middle name. In the end they agreed with grandpa and gave him grandpa’s middle name, Levi.

As some of you may know by previous posts, my daughter was born before I met her. In fact, she was born 15 years before I met her. She was born when I was technically still in high school. But in the years that her father and I have been together I have grown to see her as my daughter. Not a step-daughter, but a daughter. She may not have come from my womb but she has my heart. And the pain she is going through, I feel it as real as she does. Because that baby boy, Jayden Levi was going to be my grand baby and I just can’t find the words to express the feelings I’m feeling right now.

And the worst part of this whole loss is trying to find the right words to tell your oldest child that she’s gonna be a big sister again, after she just lost her baby. We’ve been trying again for our second baby together and we just found out a few short weeks ago, but haven’t told anyone yet because it’s still early. But now….how do you tell your good news when her world just came crashing down on her. How do you continue being ecstatic about this new baby for you and your husband when you just lost the chance of being a grandma.