Unexpected C-Section

I want to talk about child birth for a minute.

Today I found out my coworker had her baby last night at 30 weeks. She was rushed in for a C-section because of preeclampsia. I never had that and it wasn’t even a concern for my pregnancy but I had to have a C-section too. And that’s what I want to talk about.

When I was told I had to have a C-section I was devastated. I felt like my body failed me, I felt like my child was ripped from my body instead of me giving birth to my child. I felt broken. I had a plan and I went in thinking it was all going to go according to my plan. Especially since I have “child bearing hips”. But at no point did I think my body wouldn’t dilate in order to give birth naturally. That didn’t even cross my mind, first and foremost because no one ever told me that it could happen, not any friends, family, books and especially not my doctor. And secondly because I have child bearing hips!!!!!

But my cervix didn’t dilate, not past 5cm. Not after being induced, not after having the doctor break my water, not after they did something with my mucous membrane and not even after four shots of some medicine that was supposed to make you dilate! My body didn’t do what it was supposed to. I felt like I failed as a mother right from the start.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not against C-sections, and I don’t think anything less of any woman who chooses to give birth via C-section. I just didn’t want it for myself. I wanted to give birth the way God intended for me to. I wanted to give birth the way every woman in my family has given birth. And I definitely didn’t want to be taken into an operating room where I was alone behind a curtain from my waist down without my husband next to me because they took him into another room to get suited up.

I didn’t want to relive the moment I had brain surgery at 13 and was staring at the ceiling waiting for the mask that would ultimately put me to sleep. Because while you are on your back in an operating room that looks just like the last operating room you were in, it messes with your mind. My first and only time in the operating room was with a 1 in 4 chance of coming out exactly the way I went in. So ultimately I panicked, I asked for my husband, no one would answer, I said I can’t do this without him, in the end I had a panic attack that led to hemorrhaging and extreme loss of blood, so much so I needed a transfusion.

Birth to me was supposed to be a beautiful experience but instead it was traumatic and scary. And after hearing about my coworker I started thinking about my son’s birth again. Now that it has been almost 11 months I’d do it all over again because it resulted in the most amazing experiences I’ve had. Becoming a mom, no matter how you do it, is a blessing and I now know that.

I want to hear if anyone else had an experience like mine while giving birth to their babies. Becoming a mother is a true blessing no matter how it happens, through natural birth, a C-section, a surrogate or adoption, it’s a blessing and I’m so blessed to get to experience it.